My mother was a kind and gentlewoman. Our house was often filled with the smells of home cooking and baking. Homemade bread, cookies, stews, chili, spaghetti sauce, and more. We had a vegetable garden, and I remember making tea out of mint leaves sweetened with sugar. It seemed like my needs were met. We were free to play and explore the fields and hills behind us; at times, being gone all day.
My mother protected us from the stress of being married to an alcoholic who controlled the money and was little help with our five kids. My experience at the time felt like happiness. I spent a lot of time in nature. We hiked and climbed trees, and I used my imagination to build a pretend ship or a classroom out of logs. I loved Sunday school, and my relationship with my father consisted of him “giving my mother a break” by occasionally taking us to explore beaches along the coast on Sunday afternoons. The deeper truth about my childhood was very different than what I thought it was.
“People react to their environment and don’t realize they have no relationship with themselves. This is a practice to heal yourself, beginning by learning to claim who you are.” – Pia Mellody
During a recent supervision meeting with our workshops team, Pia Mellody said, “You can’t live in truth if you can’t name what happened. You will never get over relational problems if you don’t understand what happened.” She said, “People react to their environment and don’t realize they have no relationship with themselves. This is a practice to heal yourself, beginning by learning to claim who you are.” This was about teaching patients and clients who come to our Survivors and other workshops about The Meadows Model and this process. I found it to be profound for participants of the Survivors Workshop and ongoing in my life. Pia also said, as she frequently does, “This model is a spiritual practice.”
When I came to work at The Meadows over 12 years ago, I had “named” much of what happened in my family of origin. I had been in therapy, had a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and was licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I had worked in the field with children and families for seven years. I had named the physical and emotional abandonment, the covert trauma of never really talking or being guided in life, and living with denial. Then there was the deeply buried sexual abuse that only surfaced in adulthood. What I have found in learning and living the Model of Developmental Immaturity has been something much deeper. It truly is a spiritual practice. It has been very important to continue to name what happened as I have continued to uncover layers and nuances of relational influences. This has been supported by my daily meditation practice and my connection with the universal energy I call God.
It began the first day that I worked at The Meadows. I met Pia at her PIT training for therapists. She knew that I was starting as a Survivors workshop facilitator and asked me about my childhood, what I had previously worked on, and what might be something to address in the training. During that training, therapists practiced with each other in order to learn the processes, and Pia just happened to be working with me.
Two things Pia said to me during that training all those years ago opened me to the power of this work. I remember saying something about my sister not being in recovery. Pia looked at me and said matter-of-factly, “Well, you’re a little one up, aren’t you?” My jaw dropped. She had named a truth that, deep down, I knew was something that pushed people away, but I didn’t know how to name it or change it.
The second thing she said was, “You have done a lot of work on your father. Let’s address your mother.” Again, jaw-dropping shock. “My mom,” I thought, “she didn’t do anything but do her best to take care of us.” But I agreed (of course), to do the work. I later got in touch with why I was as angry at my mother as a teenager. She was emotionally checked out. I didn’t realize until years later how long she must have suffered from undiagnosed cancer. I felt guilty for being angry and blamed myself. I learned that I could honor those feelings, let them go, and forgive myself and my mother.
Finally, be informed of what healthy adult behavior looks and feels like is extremely eye-opening.
There have been countless painful and enlightening insights and awareness. When I came to The Meadows, I had poor boundaries. I went one up and one down. I had a distorted reality and was anti-dependent. As I learned this model with the five core issues of self-esteem, boundaries, reality, dependency, and moderation and learned to live it as I taught it, I changed.
With each incident of my own reactivity, I was curious about where it came from in my childhood or past. I noticed that I lost my confidence in the presence of men who acted arrogantly or one up, and learned to have a better boundary by connecting with my self-worth and self-talk, “that’s about them.” When someone was triggered by me and shared it with me, I learned to speak my own truth and own my part. I could admit to making mistakes without shame.
It became clearer that requests were not a criticism, and not being included did not mean I was being abandoned or rejected. I learned junior high social trauma impacted how I related to people, and I learned to change my behavior rather than blame others for their reactivity toward me.
I frequently say that this model is the rulebook for life that we never got. Learning about the qualities of a functional adult is a game-changer. Finally, being informed of what healthy adult behavior looks and feels like is extremely eye-opening. To be able to experience myself in that in-the-moment, connected, boundaries state is empowering. When there, I can speak my truth, manage my energy, and protect myself while allowing others to be who they are without judging them.
The Meadows Model is incorporated into all of The Meadows family of programs, including The Meadows Inpatient Treatment, Claudia Black Young Adult Center at The Meadows, The Meadows Outpatient Center, Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows (workshops), The Meadows Ranch (eating disorders), Willow House at The Meadows, and Gentle Path at The Meadows.
This is a practice of being present without judging myself. Just as easily, I can feel reactive, have negative self-talk, doubt, or lack confidence. Or, I can judge someone’s behavior, lifestyle, or beliefs. The key is in noticing, breathing, and reconnecting with the truth of who I am: a perfectly imperfect, valuable human being who has a right to be comfortable with myself and others, who can ask for my needs and wants and live moderately. The more we can be present with ourselves, noticing and owning our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the more functional we can be.
This Model of Developmental Immaturity was first taught in FACING CODEPENDENCE: What It Is, Where It Came From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody. Over 600,000 copies have been sold.
By Nancy Minister, Workshop Facilitator at The Meadows