For those recovering from a drug or alcohol addiction, dating can be a complicated and confusing world. When you finally decide to start dating again, there are several things you should consider before taking the first step towards a relationship.
Many people know the “one year rule” in 12-step programs, which suggests waiting at least a year after getting clean to begin dating again. While this is just a suggested time period, many treatment professionals have seen the consequences of dating in very early recovery.
Getting into a relationship too early can lead to complications for both you and your partner. It can turn into a distraction from your healing, a way to fill the void that substances left behind, or even lead to codependent dynamics that keep you from focusing on your own growth.
Here are a few tips that can help you navigate the new world of dating in sobriety:
1. Decide If Shared Recovery Is Important to You
This can change over time or on a case-to-case basis, although many typically date one or the other. While there are many benefits to dating those in recovery, it can also lead to risky situations.
There are often in which one partner relapses and the other follows, although this isn’t a guarantee. If you decide that you want to date non-recovering people, it’s best to have some clean time under your belt and be solid in your recovery, as this can lead to tempting situations.
You should also always be upfront about your recovery. Honesty from the beginning will help build the foundation for a better relationship. Although the idea of dating people with a history of drug and alcohol use can be a turnoff for some, it won’t be for everyone.
Being honest will also help establish accountability within the relationship to help your new dating partner help you stay healthy.
2. List What You are Looking for in a Partner
One of the best suggestions for dating in sobriety is making a list of all the things you are looking for in a partner. Consider things like healthy intimacy, emotional maturity, respect for your recovery, etc.
Many sponsors in 12-step programs will suggest that once you make that list, you aim to achieve many of those qualities yourself, naturally attracting people who have those qualities.
If you’ve heard the old saying “water seeks its own level,” this is what that speaks to. If you find yourself continuously attracting the “wrong” type of partner, this is a great way to figure out exactly what you want in a relationship.
3. Keep Your Recovery First and Separate
One of the most important things to remember when dating in recovery is making sure your recovery is always your top priority. There are many exciting parts at the beginning of a relationship.
For someone in recovery, that can lead to missed meetings, missed calls to your sponsor, and slacking on participation in your daily program. All of those are ingredients that can lead to relapse, so maintaining a recovery/life balance is key to lasting recovery and lasting relationships.
If you decide to date someone in recovery, another important thing to remember is to keep your programs separate. This means limiting meetings you attend together and limiting the amount you talk about your own recovery programs.
Remember that your program is your own, and the same goes for your partner.
4. Be Aware of “Love Drug” Chemicals
On top of the excitement that comes with meeting a potential new partner, scientifically, we produce numerous hormones that can increase that excitement. For sober people, we must be aware of this “love drug.” A new relationship can very much become a replacement drug, especially if you have an unhealthy attachment style.
Many confuse infatuation with love, so it’s a good idea to take it slowly. Again, make sure that you are at a place emotionally that can handle all of the new feelings that come with dating, and be prepared if relationships don’t end the way you expected.
5. Apply What You’ve Learned From Therapy
When you enter a new relationship, it is essential to take the principles you learn in your recovery program and apply them in your relationship. Applying the 12 steps to your relationship can lead to a relationship that has a great foundation and can last if you put the work in.
The principles behind the steps, such as honesty, open-mindedness, faith, integrity, and humility, build solid relationships. Sincere apologies, empathy, and “keeping your side of the street clean” are all necessary in a happy relationship.
Sober Date Ideas
You don’t need substances to have a great time, and dating sober doesn’t have to feel boring or awkward. Whether it’s a first date or a night out with your partner, here are some sober date ideas to keep things fun, low-pressure, and meaningful.
1. Coffee Shop Crawl
Instead of bar hopping, pick a few local coffee shops and try different drinks at each one. It’s low-pressure, gives you built-in conversation starters, and keeps the energy light and easy.
2. Farmers Market or Art Fair
Walking around a farmers market or art fair gives you something to explore together without feeling stuck at a table. Plus, you can find fresh snacks, cool art, or handmade goods along the way.
3. Mini Golf or Bowling
Games like mini golf or bowling are playful without being overly competitive. It’s a great way to laugh, relax, and break the ice — whether it’s a first date or a night out with your partner.
4. Take a Cooking Class
Cooking classes are hands-on, fun, and give you a built-in shared goal. Plus, you get a meal at the end, and it usually sparks a lot of natural conversation.
5. Go for a Scenic Walk or Easy Hike
Being outdoors together, especially somewhere beautiful, helps conversation flow more naturally. It’s also an easy way to stay active without needing anything fancy or expensive.
6. Visit a Museum or Aquarium
Museums and aquariums give you something to react to and talk about, which can make the date feel less pressured. It also creates opportunities for deeper conversations if you click.
7. DIY Game Night
Pick a few board games or card games and have a casual game night. It’s fun, low-key, and a great way to get a glimpse of each other’s sense of humor and personality.
8. Potluck Picnic
Pack your favorite foods or make it a potluck-style picnic where you each bring a few things. It’s relaxed, personal, and can feel more meaningful than sitting in a loud restaurant.
9. Creative Workshop
Try a pottery, painting, or other hands-on creative class. It doesn’t matter if you’re good at it — the point is to laugh, get a little messy, and create a memory together.
10. Volunteer Together
Sign up for a volunteer shift at a local shelter, food bank, or community event. Doing something meaningful together can create a strong bond and shift the focus off “impressing” each other.
Find Support for Every Step of Your Recovery
Dating is one of several things that might look different than it did before you became sober — and that’s okay. Whether you’re just getting started or you’ve been in recovery for a while, you don’t have to do it alone.
At The Meadows, we’re here to help you stay grounded, connected, and moving forward. We offer several types of treatment for addiction and mental health, helping people take recovery one step at a time.
Contact us today to find the kind of support that meets you where you are and grows with you.
More FAQs About Dating While Sober
How do I tell someone I’m sober when we first start dating?
Be honest and upfront early on, ideally within the first few conversations. You don’t need to overshare, but a simple statement like, “Just so you know, I don’t drink” can set expectations. If your sobriety is part of a recovery journey, share that when you feel comfortable, but don’t feel pressured to explain everything immediately. Framing it as a lifestyle choice can help normalize the conversation.
Are there specific dating apps for sober people?
Yes, there are several dating apps tailored for sober individuals. Loosid is a popular option that caters to people in recovery or those choosing a sober lifestyle. Some mainstream apps like Bumble and Hinge also allow users to indicate that they don’t drink, making it easier to find compatible matches.
What are some good date ideas for sober couples?
Sober couples often enjoy activities that foster connection and creativity. Great ideas include hiking, visiting a museum, trying a new cooking class, going to a comedy show, or planning a game night. Outdoor events, volunteer opportunities, or live music at alcohol-free venues can also be fun and meaningful.
Is it okay to set boundaries about being around alcohol when dating?
Yes, it’s absolutely okay and healthy to set boundaries about alcohol. Let your date know what you’re comfortable with, such as avoiding bars or not attending events where drinking is central. Boundaries protect your well-being and set the foundation for a respectful, supportive relationship.
What challenges might come up in sober dating and how can I handle them?
Common challenges include navigating social situations where drinking is expected, finding compatible partners, or handling pressure to explain your sobriety. The key is clear communication and knowing your limits. Surround yourself with supportive people, plan alcohol-free activities, and don’t be afraid to walk away from situations or people that jeopardize your sobriety.
