By David Anderson, Ph.D., Executive Director at The Meadows
We experienced yet another heart-warming Patient Commencement Celebration last Wednesday morning, as seven soon-to-be-leaving patients expressed their thanks and appreciation to the Meadows staff, the community and their peers for helping them along their journey through life-saving treatment, recovery and transformation.
At the end of the commencement, as we always do, we formed a big circle, observed a few moments of quiet Reflection, and then said The Serenity Prayer. At the end of the prayer, as we always do, each patient and staff member extended his or her right foot and Repeated loudly, “R, R, R!”
As we were walking out I overheard a couple of newer people who were in the audience say “I have no idea what R! R! R! means!”
Well, for those wondering, the letters stand for Reality, Respect, and Responsibility—three crucially important building blocks of true Recovery (and all in keeping with our underlying Meadows Model).
These are three great “R” words.
But we have other “R” words, too:
Rites of passage (like commencements and graduations)
On the coins that we provide to graduating members of our military, in addition to Recovery, we have three more R words: Reveal, Resiliency, and Renew.
And if you spend any time in our Brain Center, you soon come to Realize that a basic component of our Meadows program is nervous system Regulation.
Each of these “R” words comes with a story, a commitment, and a history here at The Meadows; each are worked into the warp and weave of our programming.
And here are even more: as we head into the three major months of summer, many of us will be taking vacations and Recharging and Recreating.
So the next time you need to Refresh or Recommit to Recovery, do the Meadows hokey-pokey, put your right foot out, and say, “R! R! R!”
R! R! R!
By Claudia Black, Ph.D., Senior Fellow and Clinical Architect of the Claudia Black Young Adult Center at The Meadows
Triggers are specific memories, behaviors, thoughts and situations that jeopardize recovery - signals you are entering a stage that brings you closer to a relapse. The process is much like riding a roller coaster that loops over itself. Once the roller coaster car gets to a certain spot in the track, a threshold is met, there is no turning back, and it starts the downward loop. Just as gravity has a motivating effect on a roller coaster, brain chemistry has a similar effect motivating triggers. When people use substances or engage in escape behaviors the brain releases neurotransmitters such as adrenaline and dopamine that trigger the brain’s pleasure/reward center; or it may release serotonin which lessens anxiety and depression.
Will power alone is not a defense against a relapse. Recovery is achieved, maintained and enjoyed through a series of actions. Learn to identify your triggers, and with each one identify a plan that anticipates and de-escalates the power of the trigger. With that, your reward is another day of sobriety and endless possibilities.
Romanticizing involves a tunnel focus only on the positive feelings you associate with the behavior, it is glamorizing using behaviors and in the moment totally forgetting about the negative consequences.
Getting overwhelmed at times is to be expected, but it’s very easy to slip into romanticizing without any insight as to how you got there and at that moment you enter a slippery zone, touching the trigger. While romanticizing is in and of itself a trigger, it is often in tandem with an external trigger such as noises, sights, sounds or even tastes. You could be watching a movie and the next thing you know it is depicting the power of alcohol, drugs and sex in a positive way and you are off into romanticizing. Or you’re listening to the radio and an advertisement for a drug comes on, and you think about your pain pills as the commercial goes on to tell you how much better you’ll feel, and off you go. Or you’re watching a ball game on TV and as you watch you can almost smell the popcorn and peanuts and you see the spectators drinking large cups of beer and everyone is smiling like it’s only a good time.
Take a few moments to think about how you romanticize your addictive behavior: What do I find yourself thinking about? What is the romanticizing covering up? What am I forgetting to take into account?
Recovery is the ability to tolerate your feelings without the need to medicate, engage in self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors and thoughts. Addicts have used their behaviors and substances for years to separate from their emotional states. And there is so much to feel about—guilt for how your behavior has hurt others; sadness for your losses; anger with yourself; fear of what is in front of you; shame for thinking you are inadequate, not worthy. You can act out in response to every feeling imaginable.
Any person or situation can trigger threatening feelings. You are upset when you realize your friends are reluctant to include you on a weekend outing because you created a scene last time. You want the people you work with to like you but you are anxious that you will be rejected, or not welcomed. Your sister won’t let you babysit her kids anymore and you feel guilty, sad and angry. You just met with your ex-wife and you walk away angry, like always when you see her.
You are working hard in your recovery and you know you are doing pretty well, but it still isn’t easy to have these feelings and not be reactive. You lessen or get rid of feelings when you own them, talk about them, or in some cases engage in problem-solving. It is when you try to divert, ignore, and numb that you get into trouble. Feelings are a part of the human condition and you can’t escape them, so the goal is to learn how to tolerate the feelings.
Recognize the gifts that come with feelings. Feelings are cues and indicators telling you what you need. Loneliness tells you in your humanness you need connection, fear can offer you protection, sadness offers growth, guilt is your conscious, offering direction for amends. It is critical for you to have this insight, and more importantly to start to take ownership of recognizing the feelings when you have them. It is vital to learn how to be with the feeling and how to appropriately express it. It is also necessary to find safe people in which to share your emotional experiences.
So when you recognize your feelings ask yourself …
What do I need? What feelings are ones I go to any length to avoid? What is the price you pay for hiding or masking those feelings?
Coupled with the trigger of feelings is the fact those feelings are often associated with loss. By the time you get to recovery you have had multiple losses in your life, often losses related to childhood, many times due to being raised with abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc. While you may have experienced trauma within your original family, the pain of loss may be from a specific situation; You may have experienced the loss of relationship with your parents or children; or the death of friends, family; or abortions, career or work opportunities missed. As an addict, you are likely to have losses related to health issues. Perhaps you have Hepatitis C, or HIV, or injuries due to accidents.
The goal is not to dwell on your losses, but to not live in the pain and anguish of them which is what happens when you don’t acknowledge them and what they mean, triggering you back to your using behavior. With some loss, you can only grieve, and ultimately come to find some meaning from your experience, with others in time, you can attempt to repair damaged relationships.
Resentment is also a feeling but I think it warrants its own place as a significant trigger. Resentments are often built on assumptions, When you don’t look at me I assume you think you are better than me. When you don’t include me in a social gathering, I am assuming you think I am not good enough to be with you and your friends. They are also built on entitlement, which is a form of unrealistic expectations and impatience. For example:
I have been in recovery six weeks now. I resent the fact that my wife still doesn’t trust me. Now that I am clean and sober my boss should give me that promotion I deserve.
The attitude in both examples is not just that you should be rewarded for doing well, but that you should be rewarded for the sacrifices made. After all, you have given up your alcohol, your drugs, and/or the addictive behavior and therefore deserve to be rewarded. The problem here is that you are still more connected to the loss than to the gifts of sobriety. Ways to move from resentments are – when assuming, check it out; put yourself in someone else’s shoes (it may allow expectations to be more realistic); identify and own the feelings the resentment is covering (often it’s a cover for feelings of inadequacy and/or fear); be willing to live and let live.
Some questions to consider:
What does it mean for me to hang onto resentments? What would it mean to accept that I have been hurt or wronged and that I can no longer change that? What does it mean to take responsibility for my own feelings? Ultimately who pays the price for hanging onto resentments? Today am I willing to let go of resentments?
You need to identify specific triggers that are people, places, and situations that are high risk. Slippery people could be your ex-lover, certain family members, past using/party buddies. A slippery place might be a bar you used to frequent, a casino or an area in your community where you cruised. Slippery situations could be an emotionally charged social gathering, such as a wedding, a family event, or vacation setting. In essence, any place that triggers a positive association with the use of your drug of choice.
Medication may be also a trigger for which you need to be accountable. While there are situations where medication is needed, you are at high risk of abuse. You need to be proactive in how you are going to cope with this situation because it is likely your brain is going to remember a good feeling, saying more is better. Just because you are agitated, doesn’t mean you need a prescription pill. Again, there are situations where medications are necessary, but self-diagnosis and/or self-prescribing only create a recipe for disaster.
What are the people, places or situations that are potential triggers? What creates the greatest safety for me to not get triggered? What triggers can I avoid? If I can’t avoid a certain place, can I lessen the contact or time? Is going into this slippery situation worth the risk?
While some decisions around triggers are absolute, others are not necessary for your entire life. Know your triggers and make a plan accordingly. In the face of a trigger, what do you need to do? What do you need to tell yourself? Who can you reach out to for support and or problem solving?
1) Practice staying in the present, don’t sit in the past or project into the future
2) Validate the gifts of recovery for the day – practice gratitude daily
3) Identify, build and use a support system – you need to stay connected. History and experience has proven time and time again, that recovery is not a solitary process, and cannot be sustained in isolation.
4) Trust your Higher Power is on your side
Whether you are new to treatment or transitioning from inpatient treatment, you may need a program that helps you to build skills for maintaining your sobriety. In addition to its “mainstream” intensive outpatient program, The Meadows Outpatient Center offers a program designed specifically for young adults, ages 18 – 26. The Claudia Black Young Adult Outpatient Program is designed to foster the development of the individual while helping them build skills to prevent relapse as they transition into a more fulfilling and self-sufficient life. Call today for more information: 800-244-4949.
Theresa had reached a point in her life when she felt she was in a downward spiral. Her therapist recommended that she go through the Survivors I workshop at The Meadows, a five-day intensive that addresses childhood trauma. It prompted her to immediately make a lot of positive changes her life.
As she gained more and more personal insights into her past, she went back to do more customized and focused healing through Survivors II, which focuses on overcoming self-defeating behaviors, and Journey of a Woman’s Heart: Finding True Intimacy, which helps women address unhealthy sexual patterns.
Theresa says that the workshops helped her to put together all the puzzle pieces from her life. Once she understood her past behaviors she was able to build a better future.
The new Rio Retreat Center at the Meadows now hosts the workshops that Theresa attended, along with many others. Register before June 30, 2016, and receive a 25 percent discount on the cost of registration. Call 800.244.4949.
What does it mean for a man to ask for help? Not just once, but over and over again, as often as necessary?
On June 2, 2016, join Dan Griffin (Senior Fellow at The Meadows) for a brief talk via Facebook Live. He’ll explain why it’s difficult for men to ask for help, and offer suggestions on how they can begin to find the support they need.
The talk will begin at 1 p.m. PDT (4 p.m. EDT) on The Meadows Facebook Page.
In the meantime, check out Dan’s latest book, A Man’s Way Through Relationships. A five-day workshop based on the book— A Man’s Way Retreat— is also available at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows.
By Jim Dredge, Meadows Behavioral Healthcare CEO
John Bradshaw’s presence looms large at The Meadows. His seminal works on toxic shame, dysfunctional families and reclaiming one’s inner child are central to our model for treating emotional trauma, addiction, depression, anxiety, and other behavioral health disorders. We were heartbroken to hear of his passing earlier this week.
He was a Senior Fellow whose work influenced many of our other senior fellows. Dr. Claudia Black said recently in a Facebook post that John “has left a great legacy. For me personally, he was a dear friend. I have many poignant memories.”
Part of his legacy includes an ability to connect with people on a deeply personal level, even when he was delivering his message to an audience of thousands or through a television screen. “Everything I write about I struggle with myself,” he once said in The Observer of London. Perhaps that very personal understanding of the struggles faced by those with addiction, childhood trauma, and other mental health issues is one of the things that allowed him to speak about complex psychological concepts in a way that was relatable and deeply meaningful to so many.
This amazing gift of his lead him to become a household name in the 1990s through appearances on PBS—for which he received an Emmy nomination— and on popular talk shows like “Oprah” and “Sally Jessy Raphael.” He also led workshops all over the world and wrote many best-selling books, including Healing the Shame That Binds You, Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child and Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon is Over.
His aim through all of his work was to help people improve their lives by learning to love and accept themselves. He helped a great many people overcome the shame, rage, resentment, and despair that fueled their addictions and self-destructive behaviors and encouraged them to live more purposeful, fulfilling lives.
Above and beyond his professional accomplishments, his joy, his compassion, and his spirit of kindness were an inspiration and guiding light to us all. “The number of people John helped over the decades has to be in the six figures,” said Shannon Spollen, Director of Community Partnerships at The Meadows. “I couldn’t help but smile whenever I was with him these last couple of years…”
John’s presence will continue to loom large at The Meadows, and our continued commitment to helping people heal from trauma and addiction will be our never-ending tribute to his work and his life. He will be terribly missed.