Peter A. Levine, Clinical Consultant for The Meadows, was recently quoted in the Psychology Today blog Let's Connect. In a post entitled "Enjoying Your Emotions", Thomas Scheff explores the psychological aspects of grief and fear, and suggests that too often, we are told to learn to control our emotions, instead of learning to enjoy them. For instance, grief can be a painful emotion to a person who does not feel safe to grieve.
"We have 'good cries' when we are able to rapidly move in and out of the grief. Peter Levine (1997) called it pendulation. Without this movement, we either don't feel at all, repression, or feel so much that we get lost in it (a 'bad cry')."
Scheff concludes that critics of catharsis haven't considered pendulation, but ought to.
For more information on Peter Levine's works, please visit the Meadows Addiction Treatment Center website.
Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring/Summer 2009 edition of MeadowLark, the magazine for alumni of The Meadows.
The Triggering Effect
By Claudia Black, PhD, MSW
Article excerpted from newly released CD Triggers and DVD The Triggering Effect.
Triggers are specific memories, behaviors, thoughts and situations that jeopardize recovery - signals you are entering a stage that brings you closer to a relapse. The process is much like riding a roller coaster that loops over itself. Once the roller coaster car gets to a certain spot in the track, a threshold is met, there is no turning back, and it starts the downward loop.
It is very likely you have heard your husband, wife, partner, mother, father, boss, a friend, attorney or even a judge say, "What were you thinking?" The answer is: you weren't thinking.
The inability to recognize the impact of your behavior, the willingness to risk what is significant in your life, and in this case, the quick lapse into old behaviors in spite of good intentions appear to be connected to brain chemistry. Addiction hijacks the brain. The reward/pleasure center holds captive the thinking center.
The good news is that the brain has plasticity. That means, in treatment and recovery practices, you can learn skills to calm the brain's emotional responses and reactivity area. You can learn to avoid triggers that activate the emotional area, and you can learn to enhance the decision-making area so you can rationally think through decisions, rather than respond impulsively and from such a strong emotional basis. But it takes time for the brain to be rewired, and it gets rewired with the repetition of new skills and new ways of thinking; hence, we strongly urge ongoing involvement in aftercare and other support systems.
Willpower alone is not a defense against relapse. Recovery is achieved, maintained and enjoyed through a series of actions. Learn to identify your triggers and, with each, identify a plan that anticipates and de-escalates the power of the trigger. With that, your reward is another day of sobriety with endless possibilities.
Five common triggers are:
1. Romanticizing the Behaviors
Romanticizing involves a tunnel focus on the positive feelings you associate with the behavior; it involves glamorizing using behaviors and, in the moment, totally forgetting about the negative consequences.
Getting overwhelmed at times is to be expected, but it's very easy to slip into romanticizing without any insight as to how you got there. At that moment, you enter a slippery zone, touching the trigger. While romanticizing is itself a trigger, it often occurs in tandem with an external trigger such as noises, sights, sounds or even tastes. You could be watching a movie and the next thing you know it is depicting the power of alcohol, drugs and sex in a positive way, and you are romanticizing. Or you're listening to the radio and an advertisement for a drug comes on, and you think about your pain pills as the commercial goes on to tell you how much better you'll feel, and off you go. Or you're watching a ball game on TV and can almost smell the popcorn and peanuts, and you see the spectators drinking large cups of beer and everyone is smiling like it's only a good time.
Take a few moments to think about how you romanticize your addictive behavior. What do you find yourself thinking about? What is the romanticizing covering up? What are you forgetting to take into account?
Addicts have used their behaviors and substances for years to separate from their emotional states. And there is so much to feel - guilt for how your behavior has hurt others, sadness for your losses, anger with yourself, fear of what is in front of you, shame for thinking you are inadequate, not worthy. You can act out in response to every feeling imaginable.
You lessen or get rid of feelings when you own them, talk about them or, in some cases, engage in problem solving. It is when you try to divert, ignore, and numb that you get into trouble. Feelings are a part of the human condition and you can't escape them. Recovery is the ability to tolerate your feelings without the need to medicate or engage in self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors and thoughts.
Recognize the gifts that come with feelings. Feelings are cues and indicators telling you what you need. Loneliness tells you, in your humanness, you need connection; fear can offer you protection, sadness offers growth, guilt is your conscience, offering direction for amends. It is critical for you to have this insight and, more importantly, to start to take ownership of the feelings when you have them.
Coupled with the trigger of feelings is the fact that those feelings are often associated with loss. By the time you get to recovery, you have had multiple losses in your life, often related to childhood, many times due to being raised with abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc. While you may have experienced trauma within your original family, pain of loss may be from a specific situation.
You may have experienced the loss of relationship with your parents or children, the death of friends or family, abortions, or career or work opportunities missed. As an addict, you are likely to have experienced losses related to health issues. Perhaps you have Hepatitis C, HIV, or injuries due to accidents.
It is not that you are suddenly thinking about these losses, but there may be a trigger. Perhaps you are in treatment and you see other people's children come to visit, and you have three kids and you don't even know where they live. Your daughter tells you that your ex-husband has just moved in with someone else. The goal is not to dwell on your losses, to not live in the pain and anguish. This is what happens when you don't acknowledge them and what they mean, triggering you back to your using behavior. With some losses, you can only grieve and ultimately come to find some meaning from your experience; with others, in time, you can attempt to repair damaged relationships.
Resentment is also a feeling, but I think it warrants its own place as a significant trigger. Resentments are like burrs in a saddle blanket; if you do not get rid of them, they fester into an infection. Resentments are often built on assumptions, i.e., "When you don't look at me, I assume you think you are better than me." "When you don't include me in a social gathering, I am assuming you think I am not good enough to be with you and your friends." Resentments are also built on entitlement, which is a form of unrealistic expectations and impatience.
Unrealistic expectations + impatience = resentments.
Move from resentments. When assuming, check it out. Put yourself in someone else's shoes (it may allow expectations to be more realistic). Identify and own the feelings the resentment is covering (often it's a cover for feelings of inadequacy and/or fear). Be willing to live and let live.
5. Slippery people, places or situations
You need to identify specific triggers - the people, places, and situations that are high-risk. Slippery people could be your ex-lover, certain family members, or past using/party buddies. A slippery place might be a bar you used to frequent, a casino, or an area in your community where you cruised - in essence, any place that triggers a positive association about the use of your drug of choice. Slippery situations could be an emotionally charged social gathering, such as a wedding, family event, or vacation.
Medication may be a trigger for which you need to be accountable. While there are situations when medication is needed, you are at high risk to abuse. You need to be proactive in how you are going to cope with this situation, because it is likely that your brain is going to remember a good feeling, saying more is better. Again, there are situations when medications are necessary, but self-diagnosis and/or self-prescribing only create a recipe for disaster.
What are the people, places or situations that are potential triggers? What provides safety for you to not be triggered? What triggers can you avoid? While some decisions around triggers are absolute, others are not necessarily in place for the rest of your life. Know your triggers and plan accordingly. In the face of a trigger, what do you need to do? What do you need to tell yourself? To whom can you reach out for support and/or problem solving?
Today in recovery:
1. Practice staying in the present; don't sit in the past or project into the future.
2. Validate the gifts of recovery for the day - practice gratitude daily.
3. Identify, build and use a support system - you need to stay connected. History and experience have proven time and time again that recovery is not a solitary process and cannot be sustained in isolation.
4. Trust that your Higher Power is on your side.
Maureen Canning, Clinical Consultant for The Meadows, recently discussed the topic of sexual addiction with Dennis Miller at Behavioral Health Central. In the interview, Canning explains many topics, including:
To listen to or read a transcript of the interview, visit the Behavioral Health Central website. To learn more about inpatient treatment for sexual compulsivity, visit www.themeadows.org, or for information on extended care for sexual recovery, visit www.themeadowsdakota.com
Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring/Summer 2009 edition of MeadowLark, the alumni magazine of The Meadows.
Would You Marry Yourself or Someone Like You?
By Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC
Many magazines today offer practical advice and "how-to" strategies to pursue the man or woman of our dreams. Let's face it: Sexy taglines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy, but they do little to help us build healthy, sound relationships. By projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be, we serve only to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we incorporate our obsolescence from the very start.
"How is that possible," you may ask, "when I'm doing all the right things, paying close attention to selecting my partner, and looking at what he or she has to offer the relationship?" While I admit that these words sound counterintuitive, first consider this proposition:
Would you marry yourself or someone like you? Do you like the person you are - and that which you have to offer - enough to marry yourself?
Some time ago, I put this question to a client. In his plunge toward self-pity, he began to lament the state of his personal affairs, citing one futile relationship after another. "I don&'t know what else to do," he said with exasperation. He cynically sneered, "Just when I think I've found someone 'special' and things are going 'swell,' she leaves me. How does this happen that I pick women who cheat on me, time after time?"
That's when I asked him to humor me, as I was about to ask a question that might sound strange. "Geez, no," he answered. "I wouldn't marry anyone like me!" He went on to state that he was amazed that anyone liked him at all. That response, or a variation of it, often followed when I posed the question to clients.
Courage to look at our own fallibility and dark sides goes a long way in building healthy relationships - not just in romance, but in all of our personal interactions. Knowing our dark sides involves embracing those aspects of ourselves that cause us shame or guilt. While our tendency might be to bury or dismiss the parts that we don't want to acknowledge, this undermines the positive changes and inner strength we strive toward.
Initially, our tendency might be to assess what our partners bring to the proverbial party - without assessing what we have to offer. Are we emotionally available? Do we remain open to constructive criticism and risk being known, or do we defend ourselves into isolation, staunchly committed to our self-righteous deception? Is it okay to be lonely just as long as we are not "wrong"?
These are hard yet essential questions. Only when we like ourselves will we attract the same positive energy in others. The journey to know spiritual peace and fulfillment is an inside-out endeavor.
The first step begins with defining what we want to change about ourselves - and being honest about who we are. If we are too close for honest introspection, we can start by observing others' behaviors. Those behaviors we find uncomfortable or unpleasant reflect our internal barometers. Essentially, by noting unlikable behaviors in others, we face reflections of our true selves.
Defining what we want to change takes an honest assessment of what we reject in ourselves. How often are we drawn to attractive people while believing, deep down, that we are not equally attractive? When we accept and love our own qualities, we form the strongest foundation for intimacy.
By taking that simple but profound step, we begin the enlightened journey toward inner peace and fulfillment. As propositions go, there is no better partner with whom to say "I do!"
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DEBRA L. KAPLAN, MA, LAC, LISAC
Debra L. Kaplan is a practicing licensed therapist in Tucson, Arizona. She integrates her training with Pia Mellody into her work with CPTSD and co-occurring addictions.
Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring 2005 issue of MeadowLark, the magazine for alumni of The Meadows.
Marriage in a Changing Society
When I write about marriage, I am concerned that my views will appear negative and be viewed as relationship 'bashing.' I believe that we suffer from our own hedonism and lack of personal discipline. I am deeply saddened by the apparent attitude that what we have, as a culture, is somehow permanent and that we will always be free. However, freedom is a two-edged sword: it gives us the right to think and act as we choose and to not have overt negative consequences as long as we stay within legal bounds. It is then the individual's responsibility to behave in a way that is personally productive while maintaining the discipline to not jeopardize the society in which we choose to live.
I have been thinking about the how's and why's of marriage and I keep trying to understand what has happened in my lifetime that has caused so many changes. I want to believe that there is an answer that will allow couples to court, marry and live happily ever after. This final phrase from many fairytales may now be more of a fantasy than it ever was.
The basic biological purpose of marriage is to provide for the preservation of the species by producing survivable offspring at a rate that at least replaces those that die. Looking at world population it is apparent that we have more than met this goal. There does not seem to be an 'off' switch on the reproductive imperative. There does seem to be a temporary accelerator that increases the birthrate after major stressors like war, pestilence and famine strike.
The attitude toward maintaining an integral family with the traditional couple staying married (until death do us part) has greatly diminished. In our culture, for many, marriage is a temporary arrangement. In other cultures, staying together and producing children, still holds a strong influence. Some religions make the goal of a large family a basis for pride and status. In the third world, where child mortality is high, the original imperative still makes sense. Some cultures have adopted our attitude and now find them below the population replacement rate. Sub cultures within a country now are out-reproducing what had been the dominant group.
Is this bad? I doubt that there is intrinsic good or bad in the shift to a new dominant group. In any case, it seems to be where we are and there is little evidence we can or will make changes to preserve what some believe should be our norm. Change would require discipline and/or oppression. Most of us lack the former, and the latter is against everything for what we believe and stand. Xenophobia explains our fears. For many, our values are being challenged; and we each believe that the values we hold are correct, moral and in the best interest of all. Accepting that others have as much right to their beliefs as we do is a difficult journey.
I still believe we are capable of entering and maintaining a comfortable, stable relationship. It will not be the marriage of our fantasies. It will be a union that requires hard work, acceptance of one another, dedication to being a couple and the realization that although it takes two to make it work it only takes one to destroy it. We cannot expect much in the way of support from a society that seeks instant gratification and demands that the fantasy becomes real. The fantasy comes out of initial, often sexual attraction; the intensity of which blinds us to reality. We desperately want to believe that love conquers all and that areas of incompatibility will resolve themselves. Johnny Cash's song "Jackson" says, "We got married in a fever. . .we've been talking about Jackson ever since the fire went out." In order to have a lasting relationship we must be able to stick to a commitment long after the initial flush of excitement has waned.
The journey is not for everyone. It does not seem like there are many who are willing to discipline themselves to adhere to the promises they have made. Having had three marriages myself, I certainly cannot say, "do as I have done." There are couples that seem to make it in long-term marriages. It is sad to me that the number is small and the trend is downward. It is similar to recovery in that the opportunity is there for all, but those who succeed are among the fortunate few.
Welcome to Addiction Recovery Reality, the official blogging voice for The Meadows treatment center, a multidisorder inpatient facility based in Wickenberg, Arizona.
The purpose of this blog is to open a window into our world. The Meadows specializes in the treatment of addictions, compulsive behaviors, and anxiety and mood disorders. We also actively participate in the larger addiction community; our senior fellows are recognized worldwide as academics, authors, lecturers and trainers.
This blog will enable us to share more information about the latest trends, resources, articles, announcements, lectures, book releases and workshops. Many entires will be published by The Meadows’ professional staff, but we’re also looking to highlight some ”best of breed” materials from the outside world.
Please stay tuned for our opening posts!
Note: This article was originally published in the CuttingEdge Spring/Summer 2009 Newsletter
By Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC
Not too long ago, a client who I was treating for prescription drug abuse, looked at me and said, "It's my desperate need to silence my feelings that drives me to want to use." She went on to describe what it felt like to live in her skin. "It's as if the people in my life are at the controls of this rollercoaster called my life and I'm trapped and I can't get off. I like or hate the ride based on how I feel about them at that moment; in my mind you're either with me or against me. But I can't fire them from the controls!"
Unbeknownst to this woman, she was verbalizing her underlying issue: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). For the uninitiated, CPTSD is classified as a long-term traumatic stress disorder that may impact a healthy person's self-concept and adaptation. Exhibited symptoms include mood disorders (depression, manic-depression, anxiety); fear of real or imagined rejection or abandonment; and addictive, self-defeating behaviors including bulimia, anorexia, compulsive spending, sexual compulsivity, and perhaps self-injury.
In an effort to differentiate between psychosis and neurosis, the condition first was branded Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). New research and advances in studying chronic trauma’s effects on self-concept and psychological organization have yielded a more accurate approach to characterize exhibited symptoms.
Recurring bouts of emotional instability wreak havoc on the life of an individual struggling with this issue. Along with the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster comes confusion about one's identity. An individual with CPTSD often wrestles with a persistently unstable self-image; like in a house of mirrors, one's identity is rendered illusive and distorted.
Those who are familiar with CPTSD know all too well the chaos and havoc brought to bear upon relationships. In working with trauma complicated by emotional dysregulation, I have often likened the displays of impulsive rage to a cluster bomb. From one furious mass come multiple smaller submunitions. These emotional explosions neutralize any threat of real or imagined relational rejection, abandonment or disapproval. Loved ones who are idealized one day are devalued and rejected the next, relegated to the role of enemy - perhaps simply because an act of parting was interpreted as an act of betrayal. Some who struggle with CPTSD have co-occurring mood disorders that exacerbate internal stressors to the point of brief psychotic episodes.
Individuals with CPTSD often verbalize feeling wronged, misunderstood and empty. As is often the case, the trigger - be it internal or external - prompts attempts to self-medicate overwhelming emotions with alcohol or chemical dependence, acts of self- mutilation (cutting, burning, wrist-slashing), and even suicide attempts.
Historically speaking, the prognosis for CPTSD has been poor. Within the therapeutic community, clients who present with these symptoms have been branded unmotivated, hard to treat or, worse, noncompliant. The current belief - and one that I genuinely embrace - posits that a consistently supportive therapeutic relationship can become a healthy foundation that allows a client to begin to experience trust and safety. Much is still unknown about the post-traumatic condition, but continued advances in neurobiological, genetic, and social research have led to new treatments and psychopharmacological interventions that have proven successful in generating enduring, positive change.
The path out of the CPTSD maze begins with a gradual acknowledgement of the problem and a willingness to accept oneself. But what happens when one does not acknowledge the presence of a problem? Clearly, such denial undermines progress toward positive change. An individual's need to shield himself from unacknowledged and overwhelming feelings exists until he is psychologically ready to see himself as he really is - and not who he wants to be.
Support for an individual's attempts to break through denial is necessary for enduring progress to be made. The presence of a psychological struggle does not designate a bad or defective person. He's done nothing to deserve it, much like a child does nothing to deserve the onset of juvenile diabetes. However, the individual is now living a reality of roller coaster emotions, unstable relationships, addictions, and feelings of emptiness. The cold, harsh fact is that the self-defeating behaviors and unstable self-worth are not likely to change until the person changes.
As with all physical and emotional distresses, there comes a moment when the status quo is no longer acceptable. The chaos or unmanageability of a situation necessitates asking for help and taking action. Perhaps the adage "being brought to one's knees" applies here. An ensuing adjustment period, in which one comes to terms with a new reality, may not be immediate. However, a new perspective might arrive with a sobering blow to the denial - or with the quiet realization that life is eroding beyond one’s grasp. Self-acceptance can be attained perhaps only through small, sometimes imperceptible steps. In recovery speak, it is progress rather than perfection that guides us: "I am not a problem, but my behavior has become problematic!" I ask my clients, "Which would you prefer to be: resolutely right or resolutely happy?"
When one is living a life that, despite great efforts, no longer results in satisfying outcomes, it is time to look inward and ask the hard questions: "What am I doing that is no longer working? Harder yet, what am I prepared to do about it?"
Until that moment of introspection and committed motivation, little if any enduring change will occur. But the path out of the house of mirrors, and away from the emotional roller coaster, is the path to a new life.
Note: this article was originally published in the Cutting Edge Spring/Summer 2009 Newsletter.
John Bradshaw's latest book, Reclaiming Virtue: How We Can Develop the Moral Intelligence to Do the Right Thing at the Right Time for the Right Reason, released April 28, 2009.
Reclaiming Virtue is a very ambitious book. I originally conceived of it as part of my own Stage Four recovery work, but I later came to the realization that the book is more like a record of my own struggle over the past 50 years.
Many people say that the answers to all of our moral problems involve going back to traditional values - although no one ever defines exactly what "traditional values" means. They would benefit from a book by Stephanie Coontz titled The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap, which shows that the American family has changed many times throughout our history.
Early history supports Coontz's thinking, as Boston's most influential Puritan clergy from the Synod of 1679 included in their list of sins teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, frivolous lawsuits, greed and excessive profit taking, and women in lewd clothing. Worst of all, the family was breaking down - a complete loss of discipline. For those who use the family systems model to understand addiction, trauma and neuroses, it seems as though some of today's problems are a collective repetition compulsion from the past. We know that families become dysfunctional because they use faulty solutions to solve distress. Mom's a prescription drug addict, so Dad tells the kids to take over her chores and keep her problem a secret. Everyone in the family overfunctions to help Mom's problem and, low and behold, it gets worse. The solution becomes the problem. Traditional values, as many understand them, are part of a solution that has become the problem.
As Reclaiming Virtue is more than 500 pages long, what follows is a brief summary of major elements of prudential ethics. They are based on the Greek tradition of Heraclitus (who was called the first moralist in Western philosophy) and include the virtue that Aristotle called "phronesis" (prudence). Prudence was later incorporated into the work of Thomas Aquinas (called the universal doctor of Catholic theology). These men saw prudence as the governing virtue of all virtues. They understood prudence to be a fully practical knowledge - the "know how" to make the right moral judgment in the right context at the right time! They believed that it is far better to be just and honest than to merely know how to define these virtues.
Studies in evolutionary psychology, clinical psychology, and the neuroscience of the brain support the fact that the mind (Dan Siegel) and free will (Jeffrey M. Schwartz) are distinct realities in relation to the physical brain. Studies of Silvan Tompkins, Allan N. Schore, and Joseph LeDoux point to affect (or feeling) as the primary motivating factor of human behavior, giving the prudential ethics of Aristotle and Aquinas a solid grounding in modern thought. Here are some of my ideas for new prudential ethics:
This article originally appeared in the Spring/Summer 2009 edition of The Cutting Edge.
Author's note: Nearly a decade ago, I began to work with women confronting sexual betrayal. It was this professional experience that inspired me to write Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets, a book for female partners of sex addicts. Much of this article is excerpted from that book, published by Hazelden in April 2009.
Most couples, whether married or not, have both spoken and unspoken commitments that sex stays within the relationship; they communicate and respect each other's personal needs and boundaries. Their expectation is for unconditional love, but they know that relationships have conditions that need to be negotiated openly. Unfortunately these commitments and expectations are often a façade in many relationships.
Many people are in coupleships riddled with deception, lies, and false perceptions as a result of their partners' compulsive sexual acting out. Today in every neighborhood throughout every community, these people are being challenged by the addictive nature of their partners' sexual behavior. It may be the wife who just discovered her husband was with another woman within days of their wedding. It could be the mother of two young children whose boyfriend has just lost his job due to engaging in Internet sex during work hours, or the partner who has masked her shame and confusion about her husband's chronic pornographic activity, and is now horrified at the thought that her children are going to find out about their father's voyeurism. It may be the man who recently discovered hidden computer files of sexually explicit photos his girlfriend has been emailing to a great number of men. It could be the wife of 40 years, her husband soon to retire, who has known about his affairs from the beginning of their marriage. There's nothing particularly different about the current affair that she just discovered; it's just the "straw that broke the camel's back."
The Coaddict Didn't Get Here by Accident
Influenced by both culture and family, a coaddict learns coaddictive behavior long before a partner comes into his or her life. As much as the socialization and empowerment of women in Western industrialized culture has changed, women are still more apt to:
Yet this socialization of women is not the strongest factor driving a person to couple with a sex addict. Far more influential, for both men and women, is family history. While they may not have thought of their childhood as being significant to what is happening now, and while there are no perfect parents or perfect families, looking at family history and dynamics will be significant in healing. It's critical to examine the beliefs they developed about themselves and others, the ways they learned to experience connection and/or protect themselves, and the behaviors that helped them garner esteem.
The behaviors and belief systems of both coaddicts and sex addicts are strongly influenced by individual childhood experiences. For the coaddict and the addict, it is common that one or both parents were addicts - alcoholics or sex addicts in particular.
It may not have been called "addiction," but coaddicts and addicts often say their fathers were womanizers or their mothers had lots of affairs, drank a lot, etc. There may have been a history of extreme parental rigidity, strict all-or-nothing parental codes. Messages about sex were shaming or distorted, creating confusion in the child.
In essence, both the coaddict and addict were raised in very similar family systems in which they experienced a range of emotional and physical abandonment.
The Coaddict: Trauma Repetition
Kate is an example. She was raised in an alcoholic and violent family. She is divorced from two different alcoholic men and is now married to an active sex addict. Her husband has had multiple relationships with other women, and now he is flagrantly acting out in a manner that she cannot deny. She knows he visits pornographic bookstores, and on a recent visit, he had their 4-year-old son with him. Yet she still had the ability to rationalize. He is stressed by our two young children. He wouldn't do this if he wasn't on drugs. She would deliberately not ask questions. If she didn't ask, then she wouldn't have to know. She wouldn't ask for help, because as she said, I just need him to stop. She wouldn't assert any limits because her fear is him leaving her. In ultimate desperation, she found herself left alone in a hotel room with a baby just a few weeks old, a 4-year-old, no car, no food, and no money - while he went to get more drugs and meet up with a girlfriend. And Kate just wanted him back.
Kate didn't get to this place overnight. Her childhood history was her training ground long before she entered her three addictive relationships. As with most partners of addicts, dysfunction ruled her original family. As a child, she learned to:
She was reared to be the perfect candidate for partnering with an addict. This is a natural consequence of being raised in a shame-based family, which is very often an abusive or addictive family. The child grows up to be an ideal partner for the addict, one whose codependent traits enable him to act out his addiction with little disruption.
While the names change, the stories of repetitively partnering with an addict are common and span generations. What Kate and other coaddicts experience is referred to as trauma repetition. Although Kate repeated it many times in her own life, others simply repeat it generationally. Trauma repetition means creating behaviors and situations similar to those experienced earlier in life - reliving a story out of one's painful history. When these individuals find themselves in the same situation with the same type of person over and over again, they seldom link the behavior to their original betrayal and trauma. Reenactment is living in the irreconcilable past. They may have been raised with addiction and may even be aware of this, but that doesn't necessarily keep them from marrying addictive and/or abusive men. Replaying past trauma often involves repeating what they know, the familiar, or what they believe they deserve.
Addressing sexual betrayal that has become addictive requires special assistance, and that help is available today from professionals and 12 Step programs. While individual therapy is often where the coaddict begins recovery, I cannot overemphasize the healing power of a group, whether it's self-help or a therapy group with others who have similar experiences. It is within the group experience that many coaddicts heal to a degree they never imagined possible. It is in the group that they come to realize their healing journey is a gift to themselves that will take them through life and its ultimate challenges.
Recovery is a process that offers no guarantees about relationships, but it does guarantee a journey to self-love and self-care. A woman in recovery can learn to trust herself and listen to her inner wisdom. It is her opportunity to learn about healthy boundaries, who is responsible for what, and what provides a sense of safety. She can give voice to her reality, moving forward in truth. Secrets disappear, leaving potential for connectedness with self, others and the universe. She deserves to believe in her preciousness and to have it honored from within and by those she invites into her life. Her recovery is a journey of honoring and respecting herself. It is moving from immobilization or reactivity to a life of hope, greater esteem and greater choices.
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) -www.sash.net
S-Anon - www.sanon.org
Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (COSA) -www.cosa-recovery.org
Co-Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (COSLAA) -www.coslaa.org
Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) -www.recovering-couples.org
Note that the above material is an excerpt of Claudia's book, Deceived, in which she addresses issues such as:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
CLAUDIA BLACK, PHD, MSW
Claudia Black, Clinical Consultant for The Meadows, is a lecturer, author and trainer internationally recognized for her pioneering and contemporary work with family systems and addictive disorders. Since the 1970s, Dr. Black's work has encompassed the impact of addiction on young and adult children. She serves on the Advisory Board for the National Association of Children of Alcoholics and the Advisory Council of the Moyer Foundation. Claudia is the author of 15 books; her newest title is Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets, released in April 2009 by Hazelden Publishing. She has produced several audio CDs, the newest of which is Triggers, and more than 20 DVDs, most recently The Triggering Effect. All of Claudia's products are available at www.claudiablack.com.
Note: This article was originally published in the Spring 2004 edition of Cutting Edge, the online newsletter of The Meadows.
Child Abuse, Neglect, and Character Defects
by John Bradshaw
One of the most insidious effects of child abuse and neglect is their impact on "character" foundation.
Addiction (any form of obsessive/compulsive behavior) and the codependency that fuels it can be understood as being rooted in a complex of "character defects." We now have good evidence of a chemical imbalance that predisposes certain persons to addiction. (AA has, since its inception, pointed to a chemical imbalance in alcoholics.) Current research points to missing strands of DNA in the neurotransmitter dopamine. But missing DNA strands of dopamine do not mean that a person will necessarily become codependent or develop an addiction.
I do not hold the opinion that addiction and codependency are diseases in the medical sense of the word. They are certainly diseases in the psychological sense. They wreak havoc in a person's life and lead to moral and spiritual bankruptcy. Moral bankruptcy is my focus in this article.
Not all character defects come from child abuse and neglect. In the world of human freedom, anyone can choose to act in an immoral way. My concern in this article is to understand the role of child abuse and neglect in the formation of character defects.
Codependency is a disease of the developing self that is fully manifested in adult relationships. The primary symptoms of codependency, in relation to moral character, are:
These behavioral symptoms make up the essential "character defects" of codependency, which I refer to as "disabled will" in my book, Bradshaw: On the Family. Codependents do not choose well and seldom make virtuous choices. Virtue has to do with choosing the appropriate mean between two extremes. Codependents and addicts choose in ways that are all or nothing, black or white.
Moral action is concerned with choosing well in the ever-changing singular circumstances that make up our lives. Necessary to a strong ethical character is a specific virtue called prudence - the refined ability to "know how" to choose well in the changing circumstances of one’s life.
The disabled will is the reason codependency has been described as the disease of addiction. Addicts of any kind have serious defects when it comes to choosing well. I chose to drink as a solution to the problems caused by my drinking. I chose to act out sexually and commit adultery to assuage the guilt I felt for repeatedly betraying my wife by committing adultery. Words like "adultery" have a sting that is worse than simply saying "acting out sexually."
The will depends on reason, conscience, and that which the ancient philosophers Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas called a habituated or "right appetite." The will, they believed, has to be educated in such a way that a person experiences and tastes goodness. Aristotle believed we become brave by being brave, just by being just. The more we experience virtuous behavior, the more we learn how to choose to be virtuous. Aristotle and Aquinas referred to this knowledge to choose expertly as the virtue of prudence. Their formal definition of prudence involved right practical reasoning, which is based on right desire and a passion for goodness.
When we examine the symptoms of codependency, we find that they are the results of developmental dependency deficits, which are the consequences of abuse and neglect.
Developmental deficits refer to unmet developmental dependency needs. These needs must be met in order for a person to develop a solid sense of self and emotional literacy; these needs depend on source figures for their fulfillment. A child's needs cannot be met without reliance on a functional adult. Solid selfhood and emotional literacy are two essential foundations for the development of moral intelligence and ethical character. Psychologist Erich Fromm defines ethical character as "the relatively permanent form in which our moral energy is channeled in the developmental stages of our life.... Our ethical character is who we are as expressed in our actions, how consistently we live, what we believe in and how we actualize those beliefs." People often say that a certain behavior is "true to character" or "out of character." Codependent and addictive behaviors are "out of character" for any healthy adult human being. Toxic shame creates inhuman and dehumanized behavior.
Solid selfhood and emotional literacy are the fruits of an educated will. With a solid sense of self, a person has good boundaries and will power. Emotional literacy is characterized by the ability to think about and contain feelings, using them for self-soothing and expressing them with appropriate intensity.
The primary pillars of solid self-hood and emotional literacy are:
a) The development of one's own innate healthy or natural shame.
b) The achievement of "empathic mutuality" through the actualizing of the innate need for secure attachment.
Let me briefly discuss both of these pillars, and how child abuse and neglect damages them.
Healthy or natural shame is an innate human effect. It marks our natural human boundary and is a root of the natural moral law. Someone once described healthy shame as "the permission to be human." Natural shame is an auxiliary feeling that signals limits and monitors our pleasure, excitement and interest. Natural shame lets us know we are limited and imperfect beings. As such, it gives us permission to make mistakes and ask for help when we need it. Natural shame grounds us in our finitude and lets us know that there is a higher power. This is why the philosopher Nietzsche called shame "the source of spirituality." Natural shame is absolutely essential to the development of a moral life. When natural shame is nurtured in a healthy way, it develops into guilt (i.e., moral shame). Guilt is the guardian of conscience.
Natural shame becomes toxic when children interact with source figures who are immature (developmentally arrested) and morally shameless. The caretaker's shamelessness may take the form of the more-than-human, character-disordered control freak or perfectionist who chronically judges, blames, criticizes, beats, punishes or sexually uses his or her children. Or it may come from the neurotic character type who feels worthless and less-than-human, who treats his or her child as superior or worthless. In either polarized character form, the caretaker acts shamelessly and immorally.
Shameless caretakers were themselves the recipients of falsely empowering or disempowering abuse. Their grandiosity or worthlessness is a defense against their own toxic shame. Shameless caretakers also use a primitive unconscious defense mechanism called "projective identification." In projective identification, the projector, by means of interaction with the recipient (i.e. through acts of neglect or abuse), unconsciously induces feeling states in the recipient that are congruent with the projector's own rejected feelings (in this case, his or her own carried shame). A shameless caregiver's defensive projective identification causes those in his or her care to feel the shame being rejected.
Pia Mellody has described the dynamics of the transfer of shame as "carried or induced" shame. Carried or induced shame is toxic shame. Toxic shame results in the breaking of the interpersonal bridge between the child and his or her caretaking source figure. This has disastrous moral consequences, as the empathic mutuality between mothering source figure and child result from their secure bonding or attachment. Erik Erikson has repeatedly shown this secure attachment (along with natural shame) to be the earliest and primal root of moral life. The golden rule is embodied in empathic mutuality.
Years ago, pioneering psychologist John Bowlby stated that attachment behavior is "vital to the survival of the species." The earliest years of life are the most significant for attaining secure attachment. Secure attachment can be defined as the biological synchronicity between organisms. Secure attachment is the dyadic (interactive) regulation of emotion and has its foundations in the right hemisphere of the brain (or the nondominant, if you are left-handed). The known functions of the right brain, or right hemisphere, (RH) are:
Secure attachment is a form of resonance, which can be defined as a shared feeling or sense. Emotional information is intensified in resonant contexts. Secure attachments allow a child to develop resilience in the face of stress. Resilience is an ultimate indicator of attachment capacity and an infant's mental health.
The key to secure attachment is the source figure’s capacity to monitor and regulate his or her own emotions, especially negative ones. This kind of regulation is one of the fruits of emotional literacy.
In infancy, the relationship between the mothering source figure and the infant exhibits the most intense emotions. Communication is right brain to right brain. It will take some three and a half years for the left brain (the seat of verbal language and logical thinking) to emerge. In the beginning, the interaction takes place within a context of facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, tempo of movement and incipient action. The infant's emotions are initially regulated by the mothering source. When this interaction is sufficient, the infant toddler is able to increasingly self-regulate and cope with stress. Our earliest emotional experience directly influences the maturation of the right brain's early regulator system.
Emotional dysregulation and the disorders of the self are the effects of early relational trauma, abuse and neglect, and are imprinted on the amygdala of the right brain (the nonverbal unconscious). As leading neuroscientist Dr. Allan N. Schore writes, "Emotional dysregulation is a fundamental mechanism of all psychotic disorders."
Most abused and neglected children were poorly attached as infants for the simple reason that most abusing and neglecting source figures were shameless, immature and dysfunctional. It is illogical to assume that they were mature during their children's infancy and became immature later on.
Because the achievement of secure attachment establishes empathic mutuality, trust and hope, most codependents and addicts began their lives without a moral foundation. Abuse and neglect continue unless source figure caretakers get help and begin their own recovery processes. This is happening more and more as we grasp the dynamics of this whole sordid mess.
While I do not like the connotation of words such as "pride," "gluttony" and "adultery," I have to face the fact that my alcoholic addiction and sexual compulsiveness resulted in immoral behaviors.
I have had to confront my "better-than" belief in my own specialness and face up to making amends, owning my healthy shame and accepting responsibility for my moral life. Steps 4 through 10 of the 12-Step Program are crucial for rebuilding character, establishing a platform for virtue and deepening spirituality. I know these are suggested steps, but I see them as an essential bridge to repairing character defects. If you do not choose to do these steps, you will need to do the recommended work in some other therapeutic context.
Therapists have wisely shied away from moralistic rhetoric, but I see no way to mollify my character defects, other than to see them as immoral behaviors.
We are essentially moral beings. Our innate shame and innate need for attachment are the developmental roots of the natural law. Attachment and shame are the developmental motors of moral development and the virtuous life.
Aristotle believed that human happiness is synonymous with living a virtuous life. Happiness and virtue go hand-in-hand. Those who have walked a long way down the road to recovery know this. The tenets of AA promise it.
The cores of virtue are balance, polarity and moderation. Thomas Aquinas, the Medieval philosopher and theologian, believed that virtue is arduous, that it takes time and hard work to develop. He believed that virtue is a habitus of soul. A habitus is more than a habit. It is an integral quality of a person's inner life, something that has been so internalized that it is a part of the person's very being. When a person has such a quality, he or she does not have to think about things very deeply; he or she simply does good, because good is good to do. Not bribed by heaven or threatened by hell, this person does good because he or she has tasted it and wants it. It is good will.
Character defects are like holes in the conscience that distort our ability to make sound judgments. This is why recovering addicts and codependents are urged to get sponsors or to consult with therapists. It is why addicts and codependents in early recovery are urged to avoid making any major decisions for an extended period of time. The disabled will is as severe a moral problem as a person can have without being psychopathic.
I know of no better ideal or better gauge of a person's recovery than the degree to which he or she lives a balanced and moderate life and makes sound and virtuous choices.
About the Author
John Bradshaw, MA, has, for the past four decades, combined his exceptional skills as counselor, author, theologian and public speaker, to become a world renowned figure in the fields of addictions, recovery, family systems and the concept of toxic shame. Mr. Bradshaw has written three New York Times best-selling books: Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, Creating Love, and Healing the Shame That Binds You.