Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring/Summer 2009 edition of MeadowLark, the alumni magazine of The Meadows.
Would You Marry Yourself or Someone Like You?
By Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC
Many magazines today offer practical advice and "how-to" strategies to pursue the man or woman of our dreams. Let's face it: Sexy taglines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy, but they do little to help us build healthy, sound relationships. By projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be, we serve only to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we incorporate our obsolescence from the very start.
"How is that possible," you may ask, "when I'm doing all the right things, paying close attention to selecting my partner, and looking at what he or she has to offer the relationship?" While I admit that these words sound counterintuitive, first consider this proposition:
Would you marry yourself or someone like you? Do you like the person you are - and that which you have to offer - enough to marry yourself?
Some time ago, I put this question to a client. In his plunge toward self-pity, he began to lament the state of his personal affairs, citing one futile relationship after another. "I don&'t know what else to do," he said with exasperation. He cynically sneered, "Just when I think I've found someone 'special' and things are going 'swell,' she leaves me. How does this happen that I pick women who cheat on me, time after time?"
That's when I asked him to humor me, as I was about to ask a question that might sound strange. "Geez, no," he answered. "I wouldn't marry anyone like me!" He went on to state that he was amazed that anyone liked him at all. That response, or a variation of it, often followed when I posed the question to clients.
Courage to look at our own fallibility and dark sides goes a long way in building healthy relationships - not just in romance, but in all of our personal interactions. Knowing our dark sides involves embracing those aspects of ourselves that cause us shame or guilt. While our tendency might be to bury or dismiss the parts that we don't want to acknowledge, this undermines the positive changes and inner strength we strive toward.
Initially, our tendency might be to assess what our partners bring to the proverbial party - without assessing what we have to offer. Are we emotionally available? Do we remain open to constructive criticism and risk being known, or do we defend ourselves into isolation, staunchly committed to our self-righteous deception? Is it okay to be lonely just as long as we are not "wrong"?
These are hard yet essential questions. Only when we like ourselves will we attract the same positive energy in others. The journey to know spiritual peace and fulfillment is an inside-out endeavor.
The first step begins with defining what we want to change about ourselves - and being honest about who we are. If we are too close for honest introspection, we can start by observing others' behaviors. Those behaviors we find uncomfortable or unpleasant reflect our internal barometers. Essentially, by noting unlikable behaviors in others, we face reflections of our true selves.
Defining what we want to change takes an honest assessment of what we reject in ourselves. How often are we drawn to attractive people while believing, deep down, that we are not equally attractive? When we accept and love our own qualities, we form the strongest foundation for intimacy.
By taking that simple but profound step, we begin the enlightened journey toward inner peace and fulfillment. As propositions go, there is no better partner with whom to say "I do!"
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DEBRA L. KAPLAN, MA, LAC, LISAC
Debra L. Kaplan is a practicing licensed therapist in Tucson, Arizona. She integrates her training with Pia Mellody into her work with CPTSD and co-occurring addictions.